Loving an Opposing Inspiration

Earlier today, I ran into someone on Facebook that I had not heard from in ages, Joni Eareckson Tada. Now it turns out that it is really more of a fan-page as she does not actively participate from the look of it.

When I was a kid, I ran across the book "Joni" which touched me in a way that few books ever have. It is the story of a young woman, Joni Eareckson, with everything ahead of her that has a diving accident one summer and ends up a quadriplegic and her coming to grips with that and the skills she found after-wards. I was so impressed with her artwork that I used to own a piece many years ago.

I had the pleasure of meeting her in 1981 during my great Southern California adventure that I have written about in the past.

One of the things that surprised me was the near immediate response that I received from several friends that were shocked that I would "Like" her since she is a signer on the Manhattan Declaration, a call for assorted Christian members to not comply with laws against their religious beliefs in areas like abortion and same-sex marriage. I believe that I had heard about it on the news, but I did not pay it any heed, why should I?

One of the areas that the Christian Right has never understood is that a law saying such things may happen do not require you to partake in them. I have always found it somewhat laughable to listen to people who act as if legalizing same-sex marriage means straight men are going to be required to do so or that Roe v. Wade is going to force women to have abortions.

We seem to have developed a culture in this country where if someone disagrees on any one subject, especially a hot button topic, that we are supposed to shun them and disavow any knowledge, friendship or support. I will not do it.

I have found Joni to be a shining star in my life who made me rethink many things in my life over the years and a pillar of strength when I have had tough times, no matter how bad, I still have functional arms and legs.

One of the pieces of the book I have always remembered was a place where Joni's power-wheelchair tipped over in a parking lot and she scraped her face quite badly. Her reply was something like; "why my face, the only place I can feel?" I have had days like that where it was like why this one thing when it was so important, at least in that moment.

I may not agree with everything she thinks and may even be diametrically opposed in some, but that will never take away from the respect I have for her in so many other areas of her life.

Many of the friends that responded badly felt that I had betrayed them, I would say that I have proven my worthiness as a friend in that I will stand by them when they do something I disagree with, it will take more than one thing to get rid of me.

I would say that it is more Christian to show love and compassion for someone against you on some issue than many self-proclaimed Christians offer to those who differ from them. It is easy to love someone who is always with you, but it takes a bit of work to get beyond some disagreement and still be there for them. I believe Jesus commented on this when he talked about loving ones enemies.

---

To Joni,

My heartfelt appreciation for your story, your beautiful artwork and for making a young man feel welcome when the opportunity presented itself nearly 30 years ago.

My prayers and hopes, along with Reiki healing energy, to help you get through this troubling time with your recent diagnosis.

Shanti,

Robert

Only 2 Questions from Freedom

William Shakespeare wrote "This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man." What an amazing idea and such a shame that most of us cannot or will not.

In my practice as a Life Coach one of the first things we delve into usually is "what do YOU want?" I am very often amazed with just how much of what I get back is negative wants, no debt, not my current job, to lose ten pounds.

When I restate the question and ask for what they want, I keep getting the same types of responses. It seems that we, as humans, have become quite adept at defining our world by what is wrong with it, what we want to change about it.

To truly know yourself, little less to use the Law of Attraction (LoA), you have to know what it is you actually want, even if only in generalities to start with. As sad as that might sound, the other half of this query is probably THE most important question in all creation: "Who are YOU?"

As a Life Coach (and often as a Spiritual Teacher) this becomes a place to start working with my clients since they usually want to make change, but without knowing what one actually wants what do you change and into what?

I suspect a lot of the difficulty comes from our ingrained human need to be accepted and we have been acclimated to the idea that anything out of the "norm" will make us into an outcast. We have a natural want to be liked and wanted and most of the decisions we make in this life is about "looking good."

The largest part of my practice truly comes down to helping people become happy in and with their lives. So we have to start with figuring out who and/or what we are and then what it is we want. To know these alone will put you ahead of the vast majority of your fellow residents on this planet.

As much as we want to be liked and accepted, I find that the VAST majority of people, in the long run, are much more attracted to the real you versus the you that you have become to appease others. Those who do not are most often threatened by your strength to be real and their fear of following your example.

It reminds me of something that happened to me several years ago. I had been on General Relief and out of work for a bit. I had a collection of friends and acquaintances that I had been hanging out with pretty regularly. When I found a job and was no longer always available, most of those people parted company and some were extremely nasty about how they went about it.

The issue was not something I had done, I later found out, but the fact that they viewed me as trying to be better than them, not something I had even considered.

Once you get to know who you are and what you want, presuming it means something to you, you are going to want to pursue that person and as that person brings joy into your life you are not going to be willing to create falsehoods to pretend to be something else.

So to finish off the quote we started from, once you are true to who and what you are, you cannot help but be the true with all those in your life. Imagine the simple freedom you can attain by just being who you already are, if you will just let yourself!

Good Days that Hurt...

For the most part, I love life.

Life is such a wonderful gift from God, if you believe in He/She/It/Is, and for those that don't it's an amazing trick of entropy that I could spend several eternities thanking random chance since it is obvious that I won that lottery. (We'll talk about California Lotto later)

But there are days, strangely, they are the days that I truly become convinced that there has to be something behind it, something greater and apparently far wiser than I could ever hope to be behind it all.

Is it God? Is it a super-intelligent being that actually knows the purpose for all that is happening and is either taking one hell of a crap-shoot with creation or has the great hope that since it came from perfection that it must eventually (that can be an awfully long time) return to the source from which it came, perfection.

In the Sanatana-dharma, or as most westerners call it: Hinduism, there is a story of Mother Maya. Mother Maya is the manifestation of creation and she loves her children, us. She feels for us because she knows the pain that she must inflict upon her children so that they may learn and eventually grow beyond her. As with all parents, that is her hope, that her children should surpass her.

The interesting part of days like this for me is that though my heart aches to see the pain that we create for ourselves and for others. I weep to feel the hardness of the hearts of men and I sometimes wonder if I wish to continue on my path towards whatever it is I and everyone else truly is.

There is an old adage that says "ignorance is bliss" and I can agree with that at times, the bliss of sleep is something I sometimes wish for, if only for a moment. But then I awaken to the fact that unless I wish to condemn myself to that sleep of illusion and lies, I have to be willing to awaken and go through the pain.

The pain is an illusion as much as everything else, it's an illusion we create by denying the truth of who and what we are. Because part of our awakening is to become intimately aware that we are all part of the whole, without any part, no matter how small, the whole is not whole, how could it be.

So today my heart is open, my soul is free and I feel the pain that my fellow students are going through. As much as I want to shake them awake, I know that I can only help those who want to be awakened, many are not ready or willing, to them I will wish peace and joy in whatever measure they can handle.

So today is a good day and strangely, it is a day that is likely to hurt, but it is in the depth of that pain, that compassion for my friends, family and the rest of creation, that I know that I have Spirit and that I am getting closer to truly being in Spirit at every moment.

The 2 Best and Worst Things for Your Sex Life

If I had known that it was that easy to get your attention, I would have started writing about sex ages ago... ;-)

I have been thinking about sex a fair amount lately. Partially since my dance card has been so empty, but partially because I really haven't found what I'm looking for. Let me explain...

I recently discovered the two greatest things that happen to your sex life (no, it is not a little purple pill or topical ointment).

1. Finding someone on the same "frequency"
   
   For those who have never experienced this, boy are you in for a pleasant surprise...
   
   The physical act of sex is immensely pleasurable and all, but the first time you meet someone that you are able to connect with on a higher level, a compatible vibe, a harmonic spiritual frequency, you'll know when it happens.
   
   In my practice I have had many people who have wondered what I was talking about until they experience it.
   
   It is because this seems to be rarer that I realized that I no longer judge people that get labeled as promiscuous (my favorite quote on this goes like this... Promiscuous is anyone getting laid more than you.).
   
   
2. Finding the above is not just a single individual
   
   As much as I am a romantic at heart and am searching for the one that I wish to share the rest of my life with who feels the same way about me, I eventually realized the was not much point in being a depressed involuntary celibate.
   
   I have been fortunate to meet a few people that I could connect with in this way. Not only have I apparently been very lucky, but it opened my mind to the fact that there may be one soul-mate, but many soul-friends and some of them want it to be friends-with-benefits.

We, as humans, seem to be instinctively aware of something greater than our daily existences and while some are just looking for pleasure in the short term, I have begun to wonder if many people either have not been so fortunate or were once and are trying to recapture the high, kinda like drugs, as much as one may seek to numb the pain, the subsequent highs never quite match the original.

Many of the teachers would likely comment that this was due to looking in the wrong place, hunting pretty faces and nice bodies when what you are actually looking for is a favorable and harmonic soul. This would also explain why so many of us fall in love with someone completely outside what we thought we were looking for.

In the gay community of Los Angeles in general and West Hollywood in particular, the sexual culture seems to be to sift people by sex and if you find someone remotely harmonic, date them after the fact. Fine, but not something I am personally comfortable with for reasons that are about to become clear.

Now the other side of the coin, the two worst things for your sex life:

1. Finding someone on the same "frequency"
   
   
2. Finding the above is not just a single individual

So how can they be both the best and the worst? It is because once you taste something better, the old stuff just doesn't really cut it any more, it pales so much in comparison that it makes the other seem like a waste of time. It ceases to be satisfying. BUMMER!!!!!

Some would say that it is growing up; to which I say, "Do I have to?!?"

It makes me think of the line from the New Testament;

When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.

1 Corinthians 13:11 (KJV)
There are times that I would like to tell the Apostle Paul where to stick it...

Gay Pride vs Robert's

Warning:
The following contains some language that may offend some...

It's officially Gay Pride Sunday in Los Angeles... The festivities are in full swing and the parade starts in about 10 hours and I am going with a group of wonderful friends.

But as much as I enjoy Gay Pride, there are two aspects of it that really yank my chain.

1. I've never exactly understood what it is that I am supposed to be so proud of. To me, being gay is like being Caucasian, it's just who and what I am.
   
   I'm not proud of being 5'8" (172 cm), I'm not proud of naturally blond hair (though it's now turning grey/silver) and I'm definitely not proud of a genetic tendency to be short and stocky... If I'm not proud of those genetic traits, why should I be proud of the one that makes me gay?
   
   Those who think it is some kind of choice are either too stupid to awaken to the fact they didn't choose their heterosexuality and they obviously have never been on the receiving end of one of their rants of hatred, thinly veiled behind a "philosophy" of love, you know, the hate the sin but love the sinner... Right...
   
   To wake up one day and say to oneself, I think today, I will make myself a second class citizen, a pariah of society and unwanted by my family... If that truly were true, I would DEFINITELY be in need of a therapists help.
   
   The simple fact is that God made me the way that I am and he shows this particular paintbrush of uniqueness all over nature, so it is only "unnatural" as far as people judge it.... Screw 'em!
   
   Many people tell me that I should be proud of having survived everything being gay has brought into my life, while it is true they actually had a lot to do with me becoming the person I am today, but what a sucky way to go about it (guess I may be a spiritual drama queen after all).
   
   
2. The other aspect of Gay Pride that gets to me is that I am so not the typical fag. I cannot dance, I couldn't care less about fashion (I actually found out that Jimmy Choo is a designer and not an accent issue for "Jimmy's Shoes" from "The Devil Wears Prada") and I am completely un-color coordinated.
   
   All the things people seem to think I should be as a gay man are completely outside my genetic makeup, I just don't have those genes...
   
   I don't know much about them, but I like cars, I also like computers, stereos and tearing stuff apart to see how it works.
   
   As far as sex goes, the straight-boy fantasy of the gay-sex-life is something I have NEVER really been either capable of, little less comfortable with.
   
   I live in LA where 9's and 10's run around like crazy and I am a 40+ cute, but nothing that's going to grab your attention and lets face it, men are visually stimulated creatures.
   
   There are times when I see the guys in the clubs and I feel like an alien visiting from another dimension since NONE of it makes any sense to me.
   
   As much as I would love to get laid more often, like a few times a decade, I just cannot become part of the 2AM discount sale at the local gay watering hole, I can't stay up that late and I want to choose or be chosen, not stuck with as the best option left (this isn't third grade dodge ball team selection).

So, I guess I will enjoy the Pride Parade, torment a few fundies by knowing their Bibles better than they do, and celebrate that we had the courage to tell the judgemental assholes out there to just go fuck off and be what we were made to be.

The simple fact seems to be that gay or straight, we all have our issues.

I think I got the gay genes that turn into shamans and others of service to their community, kind of lonely a lot of the time, but ultimately rewarding in the long run, even when it seems futile...

Guess God does have a sense of humor after all.

Growth can be such a pain...

There are times that we have to do things that we may not really want or like, but if we REALLY had to do them, they are for the best and eventually we will see that.

Today is turning out to be one of those days. I have needed to deal with a relationship (business and personal) that has been going downhill for the last couple of years.

The failure of the relationship is no one's fault, over the years we just grew apart and had less and less in common. Personality traits that were only annoying but cute turned into major issues and certain communication issues became apparently immutable.

I should not really call it a relationship "failure," there is no failure in it, just a growing apart that eventually had to be severed for the benefit of both parties. I hope that they will be aware of this in time, if they don't already, and in time our paths may cross again and maybe a new relationship can grow from the ashes of this one, like the Phoenix rising.

What most would call "failure" is nothing but a preparatory for the "success" we crave. Perceived failures are a requirement for success; one cannot exist without the other. It is as Thomas Edison said when asked about his previous failed experiments with inventing the light bulb.

"If I find 10,000 ways something won't work, I haven't failed. I am not discouraged, because every wrong attempt discarded is another step forward".

Thomas A. Edison, Encyclopaedia Britannica

It is one of those things that is part of the growth process. The last year or so has been SOOO about growth in many ways from me.

Several years ago, I had a friend who introduced me to Ma Jaya Sati Bhagavati who is a follower of the Indian Deity of Mother Kali. My friend began praying to Kali to help her break the bonds that were keeping her from the growth that she wanted. Almost immediately, she lost her job, her apartment and nearly everything she owned. At the time, she thought it was a disaster, how could things possibly get worse.

As time went on, and in a surprisingly short amount of time, she had a new job that she both loved and scheduled her with hours that allowed her to do the things she wanted.A new living arrangement came up in a place with everything she could ask for and a roommate that was of the same spiritual mindset as she. What looked like a disaster was just a clearing so she could be ready for her next step.

While this separation of a longtime friend is going to include a period of mourning, I have to believe that in the end it will be for the best. In the short run, a fair amount of stress has been dispersed with

I guess in this moment, I will have to agree with Mother Theresa;

"I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much."

And so it begins...

A month ago, I wrote about the fact that the California Supreme Court determined that discrimination along the lines of "separate but equal" had been overturned and Same-Sex Couples would be allowed to legally use the term "marriage" and as of 5:01pm today, it has taken affect.


I just finished watching the first same-sex couple in Los Angeles, Diane Olson and Robin Tyler, together for over fifteen years, get married on the steps of the Beverly Hills courthouse where they had been denied a marriage license every Valentines Day for the last eight years they had applied for it.

In San Francisco, the mayor of that city was also performing a marriage of a couple that had been together for fifty-five years; Del Martin, 87, and Phyllis Lyon, 84.

Of course some closed-minded pin-head, not very enlightened of me, but when you hear someone yell "you will be burning in Hell" during a ceremony, I loose my perspective a bit. Agree with it or not, have some respect, but if there is anything that the Religious Right (ick - they are not right and if they would actually read their Bibles, they would know it.) has shown, neither respect for differing opinions or common courtesy can be expected from them, sad is it not?

The part of this whole argument that really gets to me from the, self-proclaimed, moralists is that with all their arguments, they obviously have no idea what a marriage is supposed to be. It's not about the genders of the parties involved, but commitment to become two who come together as one.

May all those in the Gay and Lesbian community that decide to enter into marriage do so for the right reasons, love and commitment, and in time, maybe we can show these closed-minded individuals what a marriage is supposed to be.

Would it not be hilarious if we turned out to be better at keeping marriages together than our Christian brothers and sisters who think we will be the death of marriage?

Same-sex Marriage & the Conservative Right

The California Supreme Court today overturned California Proposition 22, from the 2000 election, which attempted to define that only marriages between a man and a woman would be recognized by the state.

SECTION 1. This act may be cited as the "California Defense of Marriage Act."

SECTION 2. Section 308.5 is added to the Family Code, to read:

308.5. Only marriage between a man and a woman is valid or recognized in California.

Of course the traditionalists and the religious right are not going to be happy in the slightest about this and I completely expect that the usual claims that this is going to destroy marriage is on the horizon. I also expect that Pat Robertson will be having a mental meltdown on Friday's edition of the 700 Club, more on him and a few of his recent statements later.

I am sure that the religious right was not taken completely by surprise since they have been gathering 1.1 million signatures to qualify a state constitutional amendment to deny same-sex marriage, Initiative 07-0068.

SECTION 1. This measure shall be known and may be cited as the "California Marriage Protection Act."

SECTION 2. Article I, Section 7.5 is added to the California Constitution, to read:

Section 7.5. Only marriage between a man and a woman is valid or recognized in California.

The actual text is identical, but by adding it to the state's Constitution, the current ruling would be trumped.

We could go into the lower arguments that the very people that claim same-sex marriage will destroy the institution also have some of the highest divorce rates and little regard for marriage outside their personal interest, but let's look at a few of the "better" arguments that I have heard as of late.

Pat Robertson has never really been one of my favorite people, but as of late he has developed a near Ph.D. in "hoof in mouth" disease. Here is an excellent example...


Other than the usual fear tactics of what "gay and trans-gendered" people are going to do and the other usual verbal diarrhea, my favorites are as follows with the time marks for interesting places to look.

1:04-1:50	:	Pat feels that maximum of 2% of the population is "gay" and 1% are "lesbian" so it is acceptable to discriminate against this nominal number since they do not make up 10-20%.
2:21-2:47	:	Though he hasn't the courage to actually say it, he feels that marriage is only about reproduction since he has repeatedly stated that when two men or two women can procreate, he would be willing to reconsider his objection to same-sex marriage. This argument has always made me wonder why these people claim this argument when they would never refuse a heterosexual couple the privilege of marriage if they had no intent to have children, by choice, biology or age...
2:47-3:10	:	"The reason we protect marriage is children." OK, so let's change the laws so that marriage is only available to couples having children and dissolve said marriages when the children are no longer at home.

These so called objections are not really arguments, but simple excuses that non-thinking individuals will accept. Pat and those like him are more than happy to condemn people in "cults" for drinking the arsenic laced kool-aid, but when it comes to there own poison laden kool-aid, drink and be happy...

oh yes and "saved."

Gay Pride and Sour Grapes (maybe...)

WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING
Some harsh language is in this post

Last weekend was the Christopher Street West Pride Festival in West Hollywood. I skipped the parade and only went to the festival for a couple of hours which also means that I skipped the annual attack of the "fundies" aka Christian Fundamentalists.

I just wasn't in the mood to be swamped by, a reported, 300,000 people. On top of that, I have really felt a bit out of sync with the WeHo gay community the last few years.

As much as I enjoy having it there and available for those infrequent occasions that I feel like drinking and dancing, the fact is that is that as far as WeHo is concerned, I have been categorized as completely un-fuckable. Since I am over 30, don't have a perfect body and/or more money than God, the boys want to play with with other little playthings like themselves.

As much as I like to stick it to the Christian Right in this country about their judgemental bullshit, their argument of homosexuality and immorality has a basis in fact, though not in the way they think of and some of it is their own fault as well.

If there is an inherent immorality in being gay, it's not in the gender of whom you sleep with, but why. With the fundie fight to deny gay people the right of marriage and in many places the attempts to deny them even the rights of a civil-union, the fundamentalists leave gay people with no way to be anything but fornicators. With the laws being what they currently are, there is no solution except to maybe be celibate (I don't think so).

If anyone has any doubts that heterosexuals would be just as sexually promiscuous if they didn't have to worry about pregnancy, well they are just kidding themselves. Straight or Gay, men are men and as someone once said, "A stiff prick hath no morals."

Back when President Clinton was attempting to open military service to openly gay and lesbian people, I heard a radio talk show where someone called in and asked why straights hated gays so much. No I can't remember who it was that said it, but their response was amazing, it went like this:

Straight men are afraid that Gay men will do to them,
what Straight men have been doing to women for the past 10,000 years.

Now, I know no straight men that would admit it, but I do know a few who have commented that gays have it lucky to get laid and not have to worry about creating the proverbial "bun in the oven."

I chat with many people on the internet and amongst the gay ones, they nearly always tell me that they would love a long-term, committed relationship with that someone special. The sad part is when you meet them in person, they fall back into the trappings of gay cultural ideas such as needing to get laid on the first date or there is no second one. Too bad, I rarely sleep with someone I don't know.

Such things kind of remind me of a scene from the movie "Latter Days". One of the characters, a pretty party-boy named Christian has brought some guy, named Mort, home and Mort started rimming him and Christian asks if they could talk a bit. Mort misunderstands and starts talking dirty. Christian tells him that isn't what he meant and explains that he wants some conversation. Mort seems to think that would be a bit to intimate to which Christian responds; "a moment ago you were practically tonguing my spleen, but a little conversation is too intimate?" Mort thinks Christian is too kinky and leaves, as strange as that sounds, it's not that far from the truth in a strange sort of way.

Now don't get me wrong, I couldn't care less what others choose to do in the privacy of their own lives, but if we are going to fight for the rights and privileges of marriage, wouldn't it be a good idea to show some personal responsibility in our community?

There are some who say that part of it has to do with our stunted sexual growth as gay people in a predominantly straight world. Straight guys just can't seem to get the idea that while they were changing from girls being gross and vulgar "things" to something of attraction, they could stare, flirt and work their way through whatever personal issues they may have had and work their way to asking them out. At the same time, gay youth are going through much the same, but they are quickly finding out that those unlike themselves are potentially dangerous to them socially if not in some cases physically. They learn to hide and do not get to grow through the "awkward" stages. When they finally get to the point where they come out and find a community of like people, they tend to act out with a vengeance. Sadly, many never really grow out of it and end up feeling like an outcast amongst the young and beautiful.

Let us as gay, lesbian and trans-gendered people start to grow beyond what we have been and grow into what we may be. In many cultures, homosexuality was not only accepted, but celebrated. In some cultures, the trans-gendered were celebrated and considered to be an omen of goodness. Let us remember we don't have to be the stereotypical "gay" anymore than we were the expectation of heterosexuality.

Life, Love and Lance Bass

OK, I'm going to start off with the disclosure that Lance Bass has always been my favorite member of 'N Sync and once again, my gaydar was complete right about someone I don't know (strange, why can't it do that when I cruise in real life?). In case you are wondering, the first one was Greg Louganis and not in '84 when everyone fell for him. I first ran into Greg many years earlier when he was on the cover of the Boy Scout's magazine "Boy's Life" sometime in the late 70's. I had such a crush on him... Who knew years later, we would both grow up to be gay and former scouts?

I happened to be wandering around the internet the other day, when I noticed that there was a blurb that Lance Bass and his boyfriend, Reichen Lehmkuhl, had broken up. I dropped him a note via his myspace page with my condolences and holiday greeting as well as a congrats on his coming out (takes more guts then any straight can imagine, even in today's world). Now they, TMZ, say they may be getting back together. Hope springs eternal for 2 reasons that immediately come to mind.

Firstly, they make a really cute couple and it would be nice to see Lance beat the odds on his first(?) relationship actually lasting and not falling apart, but that might just be the hopeless romantic in me.

Secondly, depending on what he wants, Lance as a single man would either be the luckiest or unluckiest man in LA (OK, others are in the same position as well). LA (OK, West Hollywood in particular) is a city where everyone dances with their eye on the door looking for the next "best thing" to walk in.

If he's looking for "hook-ups", he's going to have the easiest time getting cute, hot guys to be able to bed. Good-looking guys will be falling all over themselves to sleep with him (Am I just a little jealous? Oh, hell yes! ;-P ).

If he's looking for something else, say a real relationship, he's going find it difficult to say the least. Los Angeles has never been the best place to find a good man, as Cameron Diaz's character says in "Charlie's Angels" during a fight scene with the bad girl, who has just broken her cell phone:

"Do you know how hard it is to find a quality man in Los Angeles?"

Dear, if you think it's tough as a straight woman, you should count your blessings you are not gay.

I sometimes wonder if the real reason straight men are so terrified of gay men (OK, they wouldn't call it that) is really from jealousy that, reputedly, gay men are about getting laid constantly. Now, I will be the first to admit that a lot of men are in that mental place, gay or straight (look at Tom Leykis). It can be fun for a while and as long as one plays safely, I think it's a natural part of growing up. For a gay man, having had to suppress one's true identity, seems to explode with an attempt to reclaim our lost youth via our sexual escapades.

Eventually, hopefully, we realize that sex for sex' sake is not really going do it in the long run. If we don't learn it, we get awfully depressed when we can't get laid to save the world as we get older. As much as I hate to admit it, in my 20's I was completely screwed up about sex and in my 30's fairly disinterested and now in my 40's looking for what it is I was really looking for in sex, companionship and someone to share a life with.

As a mystic, I am quite aware that there is little that this world can offer that would bring true happiness, but there is one item that I will continue to want, even when it makes me miserable; a partner. The rest of it you can have, money, fame and all the other crap that this world offers. I know it for the illusion that it is and while having "things" isn't so bad, I've been without them in the past and somehow I managed to survive.

If thinking about Lance wasn't enough, now Vice President Dick Cheney's daughter Mary is expecting and because she is a lesbian, many members of the Religious-Right (neither) are voicing their objections. I heard one say that she was denying her child the "god-given right to both a father and a mother." Somehow, I suspect that the baby won't care what chromosomes the parental units have, he/she will just enjoy being loved and that is what "family values" are all about.

The question of same sex marriage comes up and think about what it would mean when it comes to both of these.

For Lance and every other gay man, we would have something more than sexual prowess to strive for since there would be a goal that could be looked toward. If you are going to label people perverts for having sex outside of marriage, you have to allow them something more, otherwise, you are talking out your ass.

For Mary Cheney, her child will never have the legal protections for the family that a straight couple would have. They reside in Virginia and with the laws there and in several other states, Mary's partner, Heather, will have no legal claim to the child if something should happen to Mary. This is family values? God, I hope not.

Well, if nothing else, we wish our best for Lance in the future and give our congrats to Mary and Heather on their expected bundle of joy.

A thought in the life...

I was having a conversation with one of my clients earlier and it brought to mind the trials and tribulations of being who and what I am.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining (much) but there are many things that one gets put before them. My sister used to call me a spiritual weigh-station in that people come in, get or do what they need to and then go about their merry way. Is this a problem, only when I allow myself to become attached and don't want them to go. In other cases, it's a major blessing that certain people come and go quickly, fortunately they are getting few and far between.

I guess my least favorite part is the fact that when I meet someone that I want to get to know (sometimes in a biblical sense) and while they like me, they end up viewing me as a brother, or worse, father confessor. Now it is actually quite a compliment that these people want to share their lives with me in sometimes intimate detail, I have to admit that at times I want to grab them by the throat and tell them, "I don't want to hear about your sins, I want to participate in them with you!" Can you see my occasional frustration?

The people who know me from my day to day life don't judge me in a particularly harsh way, but those who meet me as a teacher can be brutal. They expect someone to fulfill their idea of what a teacher is supposed to be and where many take on that mantel, I am NOT! I am human, I believe God gave me a body and put me into the world to enjoy the fruits of his creation (pardon the double entendre--snicker).

I have no interest in becoming a eunuch for the praise of students who may or not listen to what I say. I look at Jesus and wonder what he would think of being made into the idol of millions of Christians instead of being their ideal.

I view my life as a spiritual Johnny Appleseed in the idea that I plant seeds wherever I am and hope that at sometime in the future they will grow. Since few people stay around for long, that's about the best that I can do.

As of late, I have begun to notice that a few people are starting to return on occasion and that they want more than usual. This is probably a good thing and it will help me grow. Many don't admit it, but I find that when I have students, I learn as much as they do, from them.

For the most part, my life is really very good and I am beginning to feel like I can finally relax and take a breather for a bit and then start working on the next stage. What they will be, I haven't decided as of yet. If the past is any indication, it should be interesting and unique.

Perception Notes

I seem to forget how much of our existence and how we process it is related to perception. A recent (as in last night) example really brought it to the forefront.

I have been looking for an apartment and as of about 8 pm last night, I found one and was accepted. That's awesome!!!

This is where the perception came in. There was someone that I needed to tell about the new place and while I hoped they would be happy for me, I thought there might be a problem since the person I needed to inform and my new landlord have a history and have had a few bumps in the road as of late. Because of this, I thought it would be best to not open a possible can of worms unless there was a reason to, like getting the apartment.

The party involved didn't feel this way. They felt that I was creating a problem where there wasn't one and that I had made myself a victim. I don't claim to know everything that goes on in people's lives and can only go by what they say, my hunches and instincts. From my perspective, I was trying to be kind and courteous until needed.

There was a few other issues as to my previous lack of enthusiasm (I understate it a bit) for moving into the San Fernando Valley. I had lived in Canoga Park until the Northridge Earthquake and then in North Hollywood for a few years and hadn't really liked it. The heat, the bad air and the Valley just wasn't any fun for the most part. Funny that I had this conversation a total of three times, my friend who told me about the apartment, the new landlord and their friend who I started with.

My friend told me about it and since I wasn't having much luck finding much beyond a closet for the rent that I was looking to pay, I figured it couldn't hurt to look at it. What I saw surprised me:

• 2 Bedrooms
• Huge Bathroom with both a Shower and Tub (not 2 in 1)
• Large Livingroom
• Large Kitchen
• Washer and Dryer built in (sort of)
• A Fireplace (both gas and wood)
• A small yard
• lots of windows and some view

To put it simply, I would have been a fool to pass it up. I think I am going to be able to make a home out of this place and shouldn't want to leave for a long time,

The initial announcement was greeted a bit roughly, but after some discussion peace was attained. A couple of things struck me a bit.

One was the statement that "I have an answer for everything." How could I not? When we do things, shouldn't we know why and be able to explain if our intentions or actions are misunderstood by others? Do most people just act without knowing why? Are most people as truly reactive as the Church of Scientology makes out? (I have to admit, it would explain a few things about most people)

The other was that I am secretive. Now I tried to explain to them that I am completely open and that they knew nearly everything there was to know. My life is pretty uneventful unless they wanted to know about folding my laundry earlier in the day.

Perception is so fundamental in how we deal with the world around us and yet, we are so ingrained with it that we don't realize it and hold other as slaves to our perceptions of situations. You mean well, but I feel slighted. I tell you everything but get the impression you don't want as much so I close a bit and you perceive it as being secretive.

We need to become aware of our perceptions of things and address them as they pop up and try not to use ours as a weapon against those who perceive themselves just as well as we. This goes for victimhood as well, we perceive that state and may choose to live there but don't make the people around you pay for it; it's not their debt but yours.