"Who Are You?" and "What Do You Want?"

There have been a few posts as of late where I have been whining a bit about my life and certain things within it. I got a good smacking today from Richard Bach. I am just finishing re-reading his "Illusions: The Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah" when I came to pages 110 and 130 which say the following as excerpts from the "Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul"

Every person, all the events of your life are there because you have drawn them there.
What you choose to do with them is up to you.

---

In order to live free and happily, you must sacrifice boredom.
It is not always an easy sacrifice.

There is a person with whom I currently do business that has truly become completely toxic for me. I really needed this slap in the face to remind me that I am the creator of my reality and if I want it to change, that's up to me to decide as well as put into action and whining about it is a complete waste of time and energy.

A few years ago, J. Michael Straczynski created a 5 year epic television series called "Babylon 5" that I have been a fan of since the original pilot was shown on TV. Personally, I found the idea of a series that had a long term story in mind from its inception to be a great one.

One of the ongoing story arcs involved two of the ancient races called the Vorlons and the Shadows. The Vorlons seemed to be about a strongly spiritual path and they appeared as beings of light when we finally get to see one without their encounter suits (though someone really needs to tell them that even Krystle Carrington wouldn't wear that much shoulder padding during the early 80's). The Shadows on the other hand were not as pleasant and the conflict between the two races was basically our religious idea of the battle between good and evil. As many of our religions would agree with, the Vorlons are always asking "Who are you?" while the Shadows ask "What do you want?"

As simple as these questions appear to be, they are actually quite profound in their scope and complexity. Depending on how you view and relate to them, they could be as simple as "I am Robert and I want a peanut-butter and jelly sandwich." My life has NEVER been that straightforward and I suspect it would be pretty boring if it were.

As to the Vorlon's question of "Who are You?" I would answer:

• I am an eternal spiritual entity that is currently referenced as Robert and am currently manifesting in this world to learn from and help those around me as a part and parcel of the totality that many refer to as God.

As to the Shadow's question of "What do you want?":

• I want many things depending on how the question is meant:
  
  1. I want to spend my life doing what brings me joy and that seems to be passing on what knowledge I have while learning from others both directly and indirectly.
  2. I want to be the joyful entity that God keeps dropping me glimpses of.
  3. As far as what I want from this world, since I am inclined to believe that it is all an illusion of perception, the majority of "things" that those around me think will give them joy I find to be entertaining but not a "want." The only thing in this world that I would say that I honestly want would be to have someone to share it all with. Someone to share my life with, have companionship and love.

Money and fame are tools that can be interesting diversions, but they can also be a major pain in the backside. I grew up in an middle-class family that was fairly miserable, especially where money was concerned. I have had friends who had more cash than God would know what to do with and yet they were always so busy acquiring more that they usually didn't seem to be very happy. I can honestly say that the happiest times of my life have usually been when I either had nothing or was barely squeaking by. Not that money unto itself is bad, but their are so many more important things to pursue and enjoy in life. Personally, I'll take happiness and joy over wealth any day.

"The Secret" and "What God Wants" from me...

A friend of mine, whose opinions I have found to be quite worthy of my respect, was telling me about how much she really enjoyed reading the book for "The Secret". I had previously been told by others that it was basically a written version of the film and that there was not much more to it, hence I was not planning to purchase it. She was right and I am so glad to have listened.

I could go through several parts of the book and discuss how wonderfully it expands upon the the themes of the film and in some places goes into things that didn't make it in, beyond a cursory mention. One that really spoke (read yelled, screamed and made a general nuisance of itself) was the final chapter.

On many occasions, I have tried to find the will of God for my life. In the Southern Baptist world we are told that God has a plan and it is our job to fulfill whatever role He put us here for. Now this works really well as a philosophy for people who don't wish to take any particular responsibility for their lives and pass it all off on God. Now don't get me wrong, I understand completely why the majority of peoples would prefer to be at the whim of a distant and all powerful deity, but when I look around me and see what that mindset has created in the majority of mankind, I just find it questionable at best and obviously misguided at most. The first section of Neale Donald Walsch's book "What God Wants" goes into this with amazing clarity and brutal honesty.

I have never found a difficulty in asking God if something is right or wrong, guidance has never been lacking when I'm willing to hear it. But when I have asked what it is that God wishes of me, there has always been a distinct silence. I have been known to become a bit annoyed and sometimes testy with God over this lack of communication. If He has some wish for me, I would think it only polite to make me aware of it... How can I be help responsible on the day of Judgment if He won't speak up, especially when asked?

My parents and the common logic is that we are to race on this treadmill of sleep, work and television with the weekly visits on Sunday and Wednesday to Church to give my soul it's injection of Salvation. Now I am the first to admit that maybe I am just pig-headed about this, but I cannot imagine a more depressing. You might as well pull out the gun and blow my head off, talk about a hellish existence.

Others say that I should lock myself into an ascetic community or cloister of monks and like-minded individuals. Now maybe I am just a touch cynical, but somehow I suspect that is more for their satisfaction than mine. I have thought about it and would be open to it. My biggest stumbling block to date on this score has to do with where the previous is so far to one extreme of the spectrum, most ascetic communities are just as extreme on the other. Like the Buddha, I seek a balanced path down the center, the path between all extremes.

While there are many variants to the above paths, about the only true alternative is the "Follow you Bliss" path. Misery may satisfy the "original sin" crowd, but I just can't get my heart to believe in a deity that has nothing but spite for his creation and wishes them to live in eternal dread and toil.

Some say that to follow your bliss is to seek a hedonistic lifestyle, thinking only of oneself and taking little interest in the repercussions of those actions. Taken in a selfish way, it can be a slippery slope but through inspiration and perseverance we can keep our perspectives and hearts clear and true.

The simple fact is that all ideas, philosophies and theologies taken one way can bring true joy and just as easily taken the other direction tends to bring pain and suffering in the long run. St. Francis showed a path of simplicity and poverty and yet many found such things to be the source of pride and vanity in their personal experiences. This is also shown in some of the ascetic paths in the Indian traditions. We tend to feel raised by "our" sacrifices "for" God, how our ego's love to stroke themselves.

So what does God want from you? Listen to your heart and find the answer, if you truly listen it cannot be missed.

What does God want from me? The things that make me happiest are finishing pieces like this and sharing with others the joy I get from a view of life on this planet that I once thought was only allowed for greater people than I would ever be. My friends have giggled at me at times when I talk about my teeth humming. When I am "in the groove" I get the sensation that my teeth are humming along and a warmth runs up and down my spine and eventually explodes out from the sack of skin that I think of as "me".

Do I ever doubt myself and this whole thing? Of course I do at times and that is when I ask for guidance all the more fervently. We tend, in Western Christianity, to deify Jesus and put him completely outside our frame of reference, but as the Gospels tell us, even he doubted himself at times and the things he was called to do. We all have our moments where we are in the Garden of Gethsemane.

Since I know someone will ask, no, I have no delusions of such things, but use it as an example that if even the greatest of us can have doubts about what we are doing, then the least of us can't really be condemned as long as we are listening to that voice of inspiration that brought us here in the first place.

Gay Pride and Sour Grapes (maybe...)

WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING
Some harsh language is in this post

Last weekend was the Christopher Street West Pride Festival in West Hollywood. I skipped the parade and only went to the festival for a couple of hours which also means that I skipped the annual attack of the "fundies" aka Christian Fundamentalists.

I just wasn't in the mood to be swamped by, a reported, 300,000 people. On top of that, I have really felt a bit out of sync with the WeHo gay community the last few years.

As much as I enjoy having it there and available for those infrequent occasions that I feel like drinking and dancing, the fact is that is that as far as WeHo is concerned, I have been categorized as completely un-fuckable. Since I am over 30, don't have a perfect body and/or more money than God, the boys want to play with with other little playthings like themselves.

As much as I like to stick it to the Christian Right in this country about their judgemental bullshit, their argument of homosexuality and immorality has a basis in fact, though not in the way they think of and some of it is their own fault as well.

If there is an inherent immorality in being gay, it's not in the gender of whom you sleep with, but why. With the fundie fight to deny gay people the right of marriage and in many places the attempts to deny them even the rights of a civil-union, the fundamentalists leave gay people with no way to be anything but fornicators. With the laws being what they currently are, there is no solution except to maybe be celibate (I don't think so).

If anyone has any doubts that heterosexuals would be just as sexually promiscuous if they didn't have to worry about pregnancy, well they are just kidding themselves. Straight or Gay, men are men and as someone once said, "A stiff prick hath no morals."

Back when President Clinton was attempting to open military service to openly gay and lesbian people, I heard a radio talk show where someone called in and asked why straights hated gays so much. No I can't remember who it was that said it, but their response was amazing, it went like this:

Straight men are afraid that Gay men will do to them,
what Straight men have been doing to women for the past 10,000 years.

Now, I know no straight men that would admit it, but I do know a few who have commented that gays have it lucky to get laid and not have to worry about creating the proverbial "bun in the oven."

I chat with many people on the internet and amongst the gay ones, they nearly always tell me that they would love a long-term, committed relationship with that someone special. The sad part is when you meet them in person, they fall back into the trappings of gay cultural ideas such as needing to get laid on the first date or there is no second one. Too bad, I rarely sleep with someone I don't know.

Such things kind of remind me of a scene from the movie "Latter Days". One of the characters, a pretty party-boy named Christian has brought some guy, named Mort, home and Mort started rimming him and Christian asks if they could talk a bit. Mort misunderstands and starts talking dirty. Christian tells him that isn't what he meant and explains that he wants some conversation. Mort seems to think that would be a bit to intimate to which Christian responds; "a moment ago you were practically tonguing my spleen, but a little conversation is too intimate?" Mort thinks Christian is too kinky and leaves, as strange as that sounds, it's not that far from the truth in a strange sort of way.

Now don't get me wrong, I couldn't care less what others choose to do in the privacy of their own lives, but if we are going to fight for the rights and privileges of marriage, wouldn't it be a good idea to show some personal responsibility in our community?

There are some who say that part of it has to do with our stunted sexual growth as gay people in a predominantly straight world. Straight guys just can't seem to get the idea that while they were changing from girls being gross and vulgar "things" to something of attraction, they could stare, flirt and work their way through whatever personal issues they may have had and work their way to asking them out. At the same time, gay youth are going through much the same, but they are quickly finding out that those unlike themselves are potentially dangerous to them socially if not in some cases physically. They learn to hide and do not get to grow through the "awkward" stages. When they finally get to the point where they come out and find a community of like people, they tend to act out with a vengeance. Sadly, many never really grow out of it and end up feeling like an outcast amongst the young and beautiful.

Let us as gay, lesbian and trans-gendered people start to grow beyond what we have been and grow into what we may be. In many cultures, homosexuality was not only accepted, but celebrated. In some cultures, the trans-gendered were celebrated and considered to be an omen of goodness. Let us remember we don't have to be the stereotypical "gay" anymore than we were the expectation of heterosexuality.

Life Update #1

Table of Contents

1. SpiritGeek Website Update


2. Business Card Booboo


3. Robert turns "8"


4. New eyes on the world

SpiritGeek Website Update

It has been a busy time for me and I am running behind on the schedule for getting the site up and changing jobs.

1^st there is the car service. What a well of drama that has been and I can't help but wonder if I might be witnessing the beginning of the end of the company. First we had a driver who had given notice but then had some family problems and has changed it to a leave of absence. Then for other reasons, another driver decided to quit. Let's just say that it means that I have been busy.

A few entries ago, I discussed my experiences with inspiration as a function of my level of peace and calm. I still find what I wrote to be accurate, but I have kind of stalled for a time. Partially, I am sure, is due to the fact that I have been working so much and haven't the heart to quit while my boss is in such a situation. On that front, I have decided to take advantage of the fewer drivers and try to build up my financial war-chest until the leave of absence is over then start by cutting down to 4 or 5 days a week and schedule my clients on those days.

I have been very fortunate that my current client appointments have not collided with passenger pick-ups, the universe does seem to like me.

2^nd as I mentioned above, is that I have stalled a bit on the inspiration front. I finished the cards and got them, but the site is coming along really slowly. Part of it, I am sure, is just my fear of stepping out, but part of it is likely to be my level of exhaustion. I have been putting in a fair number of long days and varied hours which tends to make me drag. I have a fair idea of what it is I want and just need to get it written out. The content has been coming along fairly well, it's getting the base structure down that I am not completing as of yet.

---

Business Card Booboo

I pulled a blond move with the business cards. On the back of the cards is a line in Sanskrit from the Yoga Sutras as well as a transliteration and translation. I can apparently spell in Sanskrit flawlessly, my English though seems to leave a bit to be desired. Photoshop 5.0 doesn't have a spell checker for the text fields and I either neglected to use another method or I just missed it. So, we now have a translation that reads:

"By cultivating attitudes of friendliness toward the happy, compassion for the unhappy, delight in the virtuous (was vituous) and disregard (was disredard) towards the wicked, the mind-stuff (citta) retains its undisturbed calmness."

Yoga Sutras 1:33

So what can I do, it was my fault, so I've decided to just make a joke out of it. Like I said, my Sanskrit seems to be perfect but I can't spell English. I have already corrected the master file for the next batch, so I guess these are a limited run of cards that will be a collectors value, like the upside-down plane on the stamp. Very rare and worth something someday. ;-)

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Robert turns "8"

Saturday the 19^th of May was my birthday and my friends through a bash for me. I was so touched. I was asked a few weeks ago about what I wanted to do for the birthday and I really had no clue. In the last several years I have just tried to take it off and sleep or rest with everything turned off. When the idea of the party came up, I commented that I hadn't had a party since I was 7 years ago, so the theme was "Robert's 8^th Birthday", at least I didn't get any beanie hats or short-pants.

The party was help over at a friend's house and a good time was had by all as far as I could tell. I charred large quantities of dead chickens and was treated to a Fillet Mignon. Several of the attendees are somewhat musically inclined (like most have been recording artists for years) and they did a wonderful rendition of Happy Birthday to a Beatles tune.

After being an outcast for as long as I have in my life, it was heartwarming to see how much these people love and care for me. That probably sounds really stupid, but most of my life I have been a loner with few true friends and many fair-weathered friends and more orbiting users than I care to think about. I love them all, but not all of them love me. The people at the party truly made me realize that they love me and in many ways, it was one of the moments I will likely cherish for the rest of my life.

---

New eyes on the world

I went to the eye doctor and now have a new prescription for contact lenses. While I was at it, I also ordered 2 pair of glasses. I think they look pretty cool and neither of them is like anything I've had before. Gotta cut this short and go pick them up.

Later!

Mixed Feelings...

It may be a mistake to put this online since many will find it disturbing to read and might question how I could feel this way, but after thinking about it, I wanted to be honest about things.

Many years ago, I was watching Joyce Meyer when she commented that people in the public eye only show their good side. I decided that if I ever was in the position that people wanted to know me, they would know all of me and that includes things like this and these feelings, to only show the nice and pleasant side would make me a hypocrite in the highest manner and I don't want that.

---

I was driving earlier today when I heard about the passing of Jerry Falwell this morning. I must admit that it has really made me pause as I have REALLY disliked this man for over 20 years.

When I first came out to California in 1981 and was in a religious half-way house off Hollywood Blvd, he was one of the many people we were allowed to watch on television, only the local TBN (Trinity Broadcasting) and Dr euGene Scott on whatever station he was on at the time.

I became a fan of Scott when the infamous "Amazing Grace" scandal took place and Falwell was one of the many ministers that blasted Scott for not being able to sing worth a darn. I always got the feeling that Falwell was a stick in the mud and a few years later became convinced that my original opinion had been correct. Around late 1983 to early 1984, the AIDS epidemic was taking hold and Falwell in his usually tactless fashion stood in his pulpit and declared AIDS to be "God's judgement on homosexuality" while claiming it was due to Gay people's flaunting the will of God. Two of my personal favorites that are attributed to him are:

AIDS is not just God's punishment for homosexuals; it is God's punishment for the society that tolerates homosexuals.

AIDS is the wrath of a just God against homosexuals. To oppose it would be like an Israelite jumping in the Red Sea to save one of Pharaoh's charioteers.

After he said such things, I became part of the collection of people who would request his information and then stuff it full of junk mail or paper shreds and send it back to him so that he would have to pay the postage. It must have worked since not long after, he stopped sending postage paid envelopes.

My first car had a bumper sticker on it that read:
The Moral Majority
is neither
I have been trying to think of something nice to say since I have always felt you should say something kind of the dead and the only thing I can think of is that he died quickly and didn't linger.

As much as I feel for his family and those who will miss him, I find it nearly impossible to find any sorrow for him. The fact is that he made his bed of hatred and will spend some time dealing with the repercussions that will have upon his soul and its karmas. It is apparent to me that I have been infected with his hatred and will have to work on that and make sure that I never fall into the trap of it that he seems to have.

As much as this bothers me to write this, I find it amazing to know that I really have that much animosity towards him. I would never have wished him harm, but that doesn't mean I'm going to miss him in the slightest. I heard a little while ago that former President Jimmy Carter once said of Jerry Falwell that "he could, in a most Christian manner, go to hell." Jimmy Carter is such a kind man that it really tells you what kind of man this must have been to elicit such a comment. The sickening part is that in the name of "political correctness" everyone will be saying such nice things about someone that many despised so heavily.

The saddest part is that this man had the opportunity to lead many souls to God and instead, though I'm sure he would have thought otherwise, he damaged many and I know a few that he and those like him have basically killed with their hatred and closed-mindedness, if there is anything that I am sad about, these lost chances would be it.