Dear Diary re: Tears

Today has been a day of tears, both happy and sad.

I had a single run this morning and it turned out to be someone I hadn't seen, in person at least, in around 10 years or so. The passenger was an actor who I have always enjoyed when I have seen him at work. Nothing of any particular significance, but it started me on the path of the day.

I went to Border's on the way home and while going through the DVD shelves, ran across "Xanadu". I remember the first time I was it, I was in a theatre in St. Louis with one of my best friends while I was growing up. I wish I could remember his name, I have SO many good memories of times we spent together, from New Years Eves at the local Christ Scientist(?) private high school to his mothers stews that turned out to be store bought dehydrated mixes that were fantastic.

I had been a fan of ELO for most of my early youth and the movie opens up with the number "I'm Alive". This is a song that has always been what I call a charge song, just listening to it can take me from a really foul place to nearly bliss in just a few notes. I have quite a few songs that do that for me and if you don't have any of your own, I hope you rethink it and find at least one. Music truly can tame the savage beasts (and the foulest of moods).

That was 1980 when those memories were created. Ronald Reagan would win the presidency in November and the "Me" decade, as it was later called, was just begining. I turned 15 in May that year and life was about to go from insane to unbelievable. Somewhere around the beginning of the year, I had told my parents that I was gay, spent the summer in a psych ward and was moved into a childrens home in October, since my parents couldn't cope.

Since I have started working on reclaiming the parts of my self that I denied for so long, I have found that I am more in touch with and able to express the emotions that normally would be repressed as a male in our culture, shame for the majority of men. I wouldn't say I am weepy or anything, but I do find that empathy has increased and I do seem to enjoy life quite a bit more.