So, with a little editing, I will likely put them out eventually, but lets start with this one from September 2nd, as I think it sums up a lot of what has been happening with me as of late.
As a general rule, I am a pretty happy person, I let things roll off and do not really allow things to get to me. Of course, like everyone I have my bad days when I hold onto every little slight as if it were the biggest insult ever handed out since fish-to-face slapping.
There are areas in my life where this is completely reversed, "go there and die" would be an appropriate warning sign for the unwary and then on days like today, everything falls into this category.
I do not really like being in that space, it sucks at best and sometimes turns into a personal Hell that can feel inescapable. Before you go there, I am not suffering from depression and I do not need to up my meds, but I might if they gave me a decent high! ;-)
I wonder where these feelings come from and why they happen more and more as of late. In other areas of my life, I would assume they were symptoms of something I need to deal with, a lesson that I have been avoiding, so I thought I might approach them from this place. What a can of worms I opened up!
Human thought, feelings and emotions are in many ways like an onion, you think you know what you are looking at, but once you touch it the wrong way, the surface gives way and you find a completely new world to explore that is not as known as you might have thought.
We live in a realm of fear most of the time, anything not "me" is separate and out to harm me, "it's a dog eat dog world" and such statements really are what the majority of the people in this world live in, even when they try to wrap themselves in a cloak of spirituality or religion. Before you get all pissy and think I'm accusing you, only you can know the truth of that perceived slight, I freely admit to having my days where my attempts to take refuge in my sādhanā is complete bullshit and I'm just hiding from the truth.
As if the fact that I am a human with all that entails were not enough, being a "sensitive" (I hate that word but cannot think of a good alternative) there are days when the outright pain of this realm comes through and I feel as if Atlas stepped out and dropped the weight of the world on my shoulders.
During these times, I want to love and allow the growth of those around me to continue, but I sometimes want to run around and slap the living piss out of the world.
I used to be ashamed of feeling this way, I thought it was hate for the often sheer stupidity of the masses and more-so for those who intentionally manipulate those masses for their own greed and empowerment at the expense of everyone and everything around them.
Eventually I came to realize that it was not really hate, but compassion. I can often see the eventual outcome of the path the masses are on and I do not want to see them have to go through the pain and suffering waiting there. No truly "human" individual wants to see other creatures suffer.
It has recently become apparent to me that I have two major lessons to learn from this:
- Do not fight what the world has chosen for itself, consciously or otherwise.
All entities choose the time and places of their lives for their own growth, to interfere with those choices would be more cruel than the witnessing of them. Thea Alexander in her book "2150AD" gives an excellent analogy of this.
Jon, our central character, has been going through hospitals and healing the patients, but eventually he becomes aware of their Spirits and they start to stop him from healing them. One is an old lady with debilitating arthritis who has lost the use of her hands due to the condition. When asked, she pleads for Jon not to heal her as she has chosen this methodology to learn from and to heal her in this moment is to condemn her to going through the lesson again.
- Experience the moment of the pain and then let it go, as with all things, it will pass.
Often I find the world around me to be like a horror/slasher film. If you are thinking about what is happening, you know the killer is behind the door and hiding in the dark and waiting for the victim to stumble into the trap. You are sitting in your seat at the theater and everyone is thinking the same thing, "don't do that, the killer is going to get you," you start crawling up your seat and when the killer pops up, you jump even though you KNEW what was about to happen.
Afterwards, you might think what a stupid S.O.B. the character was, but you release and get ready for the next episode. It is a collection of moments and experiences, it is not the totality of the existence.